I had the opportunity to take a friend to the airport early Sunday Morning and on the way home I decided to take a detour and take a leisurely drive across the Cherry Creek Dam road. I was amazed how the memories came flooding back to me as I saw the resevoir take shape. Even though it was frozen over and their were actually 3 spots where people were ice fishing on it; I found myself feeling the summer breeze of 1976 on my face as I rode my bike past the picnic area to where the old men were fishing. I still couldn't believe my mom actually let me and my brother Marty ride our bikes there with Danny and Linda Keebler.
How we loved to walk along the shoreline seeing the latest catch of the crusty fishermen. I could even smell the bait. The ride around the resevoir seemed to take forever then. We used to look for the perfect picnic spot, but usually just find ourselves so exsausted we would just pull over and enjoy whatever lunch we'd packed or treat we had bought at the 7-11 along the way. I marveled at how it now looked so small from where I was.
I found myself bounce back to reality and I looked down at my speedometer only to realize I was holding up traffic at a snails pace of 25mph.... Laughing at myself and the tears that filled my eyes as I thought of my dear friends.... Danny Linda and their brother David were all killed two summers later in a plane crash in California when they were visiting their Dad in California, but that day we knew of no such possibilities. life was simple, life was pure, and we had what I could consider a perfect day! How was it that I could even remember what I was wearing? It was a white polo with rose buds that had no sleeves, and denim cut offs and canvas tennis shoes.
There were many other days spent on the lake. Thats where I learned how to water ski with the Calverts. Its the only place in the world that someone commented on how fast I ran, and somehow everything I remember about that place almost seems magical. Tina Calvert was like a big sister to me, how I looked up to her and wished I could have her grace. There were days I dreamed of marrying her brother Bobby. I can hear our laughter as we turned the boat around to pick up the latest downed skier, I can't remember a single day on that resevoir that wasn't perfect. Time spent with family, with all 4 of my brothers, with friends surrounded with laughter, and sun touched cheeks.
As I drive across the dam road, I find myself on the verge of sobbing, what is this wave of emotion that catches me so off gaurd? How can something so wonderful feel so painful to remember? Then I realize those were my true days of innocence, I found myself in my mind walking along the edge resevoir below the edge of the dam. I remember we only attempted it once. We found the rocks to be so jagged and as we looked at how little progress we made in so little time we opted to turn back.
I realize now that there are many times in my life that if I would have had the choice I probably would have turned back again to this time, the time that I didn't know that friends could just dissapear one day and that you would never have a chance to say goodbye, and that my brother could die, even though he was engaged to be married to the love of his life. I didn't know that life, just like the path alone the dams edge of the resevoir was going to be filled with obstacles that would slow my progress and some times be a lot more difficult than I ever imagined. Just then I reached the end of road. I noticed there was still the same strange sail like sculpture at the entrance to the park. It made me laugh as I found myself still asking what was it supposed to be? There's a gate now charging admisison, I don't remember it being there back then.
All of the sudden I begin to realize soon it will be spring, and I will be able to start a new season of bike riding, fishing and picnicing with a family of my own, who knows, maybe they even have boats to rent! The thoughts of sharing this magical place of my childhood with some of the most amazing people on this earth that back then I couldn't even begin to comprehend or imagine would be apart of my life. Brings a smile to my face. I begin to comprehend the possibilities and realize my time at Cherry Creek resevoir is definately not over, maybe the best memories there are yet to come!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Life is beautiful
There are so many powerful lessons to be learned in living life. I find myself on what I perceive to be the other side of a life lesson today. I recognize that if I would have been told when this lesson began, how long it would take for me to get to where I am today, I may have given up and felt as though I would have never had the strength to take the journey.
There is a part of me that wants to go back to my journals and share some of the darkness I felt so that others may clearly understand from where I have come, and yet I find I even I am afraid of even seeing into that abyss.
I remember the days of thinking if only there was someone that I could talk to, someone that has at least gone through similar challenges and endured, overcome, triumphed; perhaps that would be enough to motivate me to move forward.
There is a huge piece of me that is fearful of even recording these thoughts, because many times I thought I had found the bottom of the dark void, only to find I could fall even deeper. But there is something different about today, there is not only an ability to find a renewed strength in myself but an earnest desire to strengthen others, and that makes all the difference.
I also recognize that where I have been does not matter, what put me there does not matter. The only thing that really matters is the truths that I have gleaned from this journey. I would love to have an opportunity to help bring light others, that may find them selves in the dark abyss, but I would also never want to hinder the process of learning by giving them only borrowed light, especially if it keeps them from developing within themselves a deeper understanding of divine truth.
I used to blame others for my situation. The choices they made or the choices they didn't make. I recognize now that no choice anyone else makes can influence me unless I choose to allow it to. I also found I always had the strength to move forward, had someone to talk to, counsel with. He knew how I felt, Had felt what I felt, had endured far greater trials than I ever did,and even more He knew me, truly knew me. There were times I felt completely alone, but in hindsight, it was my choice to be alone during those times.
One of the greatest gifts that any of us have in this life is the gift of agency. With that gift also comes basic laws of consequence. There are naturals laws; what goes up must come down.... etc. There are mans laws, although those seems to have some huge balance issues at times, and there are Gods laws. Gods laws are eternal. I believe with all of my heart in the Atonement of Christ, but I failed to, at first, recognize in the power of the atonement and it's power in helping me to accept the choices of others and allowing God to handle the consequences.
This is where I found the greatest peace. The more I have learned to focus on what God can do to make things right and less on what others are doing wrong, the more peace I have felt in my own life. I have also discovered that my ability to love and accept is also increased. This cannot be a conditional response to only some of the people in my life. I must have a universal response to all of Gods children regardless of their commitment to me.
What used to be a life focused on action, has become a life focused on reaction. Afterall the most important things in my life are the relationships I have with others. It has always been amazing to me how some people you can go years without seeing and yet there is this deep connection to them. I wonder if there isn't something more to those relationships, something ethereal?
Life has become a bit of a simple process to me. The more I fill my life with love the fuller my life seems to be. I crave simplicity. I have always had an immense passion for nature and am constantly pulled to be a part of it.
Even as I am writing this post, I glance often out my window to look at the immense pine trees that grace the horizon. My children were laughing at me as I started to gasp
"A black fox! a black fox, up on the porch come and see, a black fox"!
They know it is just me and another passionate expression of an amazing discovery that I want to share with them even if only for a moment. They laugh at me, and feel for a moment too long that the television show they are watching is far more important than the black fox that is now scampering through the bent piece of fence at the top of the yard. and I cry a little inside because they still don't quite get why it is so important to me that I share it with them. But then when they see something for the first time and I see their eyes widen, it makes pulling them to the window all worth while.
Today the Fox escaped their view behind a pine and up the hill. Three of them return to the couch but I noticed my son Joshua slipped out the back door and begins climbing through the back scrub oak on his own. He is curious and perhaps he can catch a glimpse from another vantage point. Oh how my heart rejoices to see him look for himself. I realize as he walks off on his own, that there are times it just makes sense to do that, to walk alone, to learn the true nature of who we are and to learn to rely upon our divine creator. To understand a greater purpose, and our place in it.
Life is beautiful
There is a part of me that wants to go back to my journals and share some of the darkness I felt so that others may clearly understand from where I have come, and yet I find I even I am afraid of even seeing into that abyss.
I remember the days of thinking if only there was someone that I could talk to, someone that has at least gone through similar challenges and endured, overcome, triumphed; perhaps that would be enough to motivate me to move forward.
There is a huge piece of me that is fearful of even recording these thoughts, because many times I thought I had found the bottom of the dark void, only to find I could fall even deeper. But there is something different about today, there is not only an ability to find a renewed strength in myself but an earnest desire to strengthen others, and that makes all the difference.
I also recognize that where I have been does not matter, what put me there does not matter. The only thing that really matters is the truths that I have gleaned from this journey. I would love to have an opportunity to help bring light others, that may find them selves in the dark abyss, but I would also never want to hinder the process of learning by giving them only borrowed light, especially if it keeps them from developing within themselves a deeper understanding of divine truth.
I used to blame others for my situation. The choices they made or the choices they didn't make. I recognize now that no choice anyone else makes can influence me unless I choose to allow it to. I also found I always had the strength to move forward, had someone to talk to, counsel with. He knew how I felt, Had felt what I felt, had endured far greater trials than I ever did,and even more He knew me, truly knew me. There were times I felt completely alone, but in hindsight, it was my choice to be alone during those times.
One of the greatest gifts that any of us have in this life is the gift of agency. With that gift also comes basic laws of consequence. There are naturals laws; what goes up must come down.... etc. There are mans laws, although those seems to have some huge balance issues at times, and there are Gods laws. Gods laws are eternal. I believe with all of my heart in the Atonement of Christ, but I failed to, at first, recognize in the power of the atonement and it's power in helping me to accept the choices of others and allowing God to handle the consequences.
This is where I found the greatest peace. The more I have learned to focus on what God can do to make things right and less on what others are doing wrong, the more peace I have felt in my own life. I have also discovered that my ability to love and accept is also increased. This cannot be a conditional response to only some of the people in my life. I must have a universal response to all of Gods children regardless of their commitment to me.
What used to be a life focused on action, has become a life focused on reaction. Afterall the most important things in my life are the relationships I have with others. It has always been amazing to me how some people you can go years without seeing and yet there is this deep connection to them. I wonder if there isn't something more to those relationships, something ethereal?
Life has become a bit of a simple process to me. The more I fill my life with love the fuller my life seems to be. I crave simplicity. I have always had an immense passion for nature and am constantly pulled to be a part of it.
Even as I am writing this post, I glance often out my window to look at the immense pine trees that grace the horizon. My children were laughing at me as I started to gasp
"A black fox! a black fox, up on the porch come and see, a black fox"!
They know it is just me and another passionate expression of an amazing discovery that I want to share with them even if only for a moment. They laugh at me, and feel for a moment too long that the television show they are watching is far more important than the black fox that is now scampering through the bent piece of fence at the top of the yard. and I cry a little inside because they still don't quite get why it is so important to me that I share it with them. But then when they see something for the first time and I see their eyes widen, it makes pulling them to the window all worth while.
Today the Fox escaped their view behind a pine and up the hill. Three of them return to the couch but I noticed my son Joshua slipped out the back door and begins climbing through the back scrub oak on his own. He is curious and perhaps he can catch a glimpse from another vantage point. Oh how my heart rejoices to see him look for himself. I realize as he walks off on his own, that there are times it just makes sense to do that, to walk alone, to learn the true nature of who we are and to learn to rely upon our divine creator. To understand a greater purpose, and our place in it.
Life is beautiful
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