Not so sweet surrender

My head pounding, eyes struggling to focus, lying in bed, I watched as the shadows danced on my wall. The canned laughter rang from the television as the thoughts raced through my mind.........so much to do,
decorations to put away,
wasn't I going to throw a new years party?
Who did I invite anyways?
When did I take that Imitrex?
Wasn't it suppossed to work by now?
How many migraines did this make this week?
Seven?
Nine?
I lost count.

My bed seemed to just swallow me up. The mattress dent hugged me, only making me even more convinced that my time in bed was desoerately needing to come to an end, but as I struggled to roll over the aching in my shoulders told me otherwise.

The clambering of pans coming from the kitchen made me wonder, "does that mean they are being washed or are they just being stacked higher and higher as some monument of this weeks avoidance? Dare I ask or even question what was going on in the abyss below? I knew that there was probably a subtle feeling of relief among my kids as they new no one would be reminding them of thier chores or asking them to pitch in to clean up the holiday mess, atleast not today.
Images of leftovers lining the fridge began to creep into my mind as I began to stammer on the thought.....
What did I even have to eat today? When did I even eat or drink anything? Nothing sounds good, when my head is hurting, pounding, pulsing.

When is this Immitrex going to knock this migraine loose?

Then I stopped thinking, stopped, listening, stopped watching the subtle light show casting shadows against the walls and slipped back to sleep.

So the days seemed to play out between Christmas and New Years. Oh there were moments of clarity, short moments. Moments that I entertained pulling together a party, or attending one. At one point I stood at the counter and decided to make some bread for the family, surely that wasn't too much for me to do, but within a moment, I knew that even that was going to be overload for the noggin and I gave in. finally I just surrendered to an evening at home with my husband, daughter, son in law, and grand daughter. The other kids all went elsewhere in grand pursuits of real fun! I am so glad they did! The few of us that stayed home watched a great movie about a song writer, they broke open a sparkling cider at the new year, and the new decade had officially began.

Over the next couple of days there were some futile attempts of getting the place in order, and a few more sessions of trying to sleep away the pain. We got a few things done, "we" meaning mostly my youngest two boys who have become my saving grace. How will I ever be able to thank them for their amazing attitudes of support.

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia about 8 years ago. I have spent the last 8 years trying to disprove, cure or otherwise not deal with this. All I know is I will have episodes that literally render me useless. I also have a horrible history with migraines. I don't know if the two are related or not, but their seems to be some correlation to an increase of migraines during the times that the FM symptoms are most present. It is humiliating to be a grown adult and literally be incapable of doing normal household responsibilities. It is further humiliating to have to ask your family to help you,but it is such a remarkable experience to be the receiver of such service. I spent a tremendous amount of time alone during this holiday season. Too much time alone, but it gave me not only time to heal, but also time to think. I have come to recognize the blessings that have come through my unique needs. It has been deeply humbling, and has truly brought me closer to those who have helped me. I have also recognized that I need to be better at asking for what I need, and that I can't resent others for not doing for me, what I am not willing to ask for.

Usually I focus at this time of year on a bunch of ambitious goals. This year, they may be ambitious but they are of a different nature. I hope that I can spend more time listening to what the Lord is trying to teach me, instead of asking him why I have these challenges. I hope that I can more effectively communicate my needs and also be sensitive to the needs of others as I continue to learn through this year of surrender. I also need to be sure to express gratitude for those people in my life that bring me strength. I need to express that gratitude not only to them, but also to the Lord. This year will be one of renewal.

My First Adventure

It is only in adventure that some people succeed in knowing themselves - in finding themselves. ~André Gide

I have been wanting to start blogging for months now. I set up my account back in June, but it has taken me this long to finally have the courage to actually take the dive and write my first post. I am fascinated with the freedom we have to express ourselves in this day and age. I have watched with amazement as my 7 incredible children are being taught with all of the conveniences of technology and I for one am grateful to be a part of it. I recently became a grandmother and find myself wondering what wonderful new creations will there be as this new little one begins to grow, learn and create? I look at this blog as a new adventure for me, one in which I hope not only to share, but also to discover.

I have always loved the character Dharma, and have always felt that there was a part of me that is very "Dharma-ish." I love people. I love to meet new people, watch people, help people. I am really at a point in my life that I want to find something grand that I can do, something that would really make a difference. I remember on a recent flight to New York I was reading a book about Mother Theresa and she spoke of how so many people had this same desire to make a difference in the world. She advised them to go home and to look into the eyes of their own children and to see what their needs were and take care of those needs first. Then as they walked the halls of their homes, to look in to the eyes of their other family members and see what their needs were and meet those. Then go to their neighbors, look into their eyes and see what their needs were, and so on. She explained if everybody did this, there wouldn't be any great needs in the world, they would already be met.

That had such a profound effect on me. As I find myself at the age of 43 wanting to do something grand to validate my life, I am reminded to first finish my work at home.

There are days I dream of one day volunteering in India, but today I will be satisfied with rocking my new grand daughter while my daughter takes a much needed nap. That may not seem very grand, but I know it's what I need to be doing today!